I would appreciate direction where to look for a solution: we are a religious married couple in our early fifties postmenopausal and vaginal sex has become unsatisying for my husband due to tightness of my vagina and that lubricants make it then too smooth. The result is ejaculation without orgasm, and sometimes pain, for him. Different positions sometimes help with comfort, but the ejaculation is without feeling, by his report. He can orgasm and ejaculate externally, but I am very uncomfortable with the violation of the halacha as I know it. Is there a halachic solution for such a situation? It does rise to the level of a shalom bayis issue, I am sorry to say. Thank you for your thoughts.
This issue is one best addressed in person with a qualified therapist and both members of the couple. You can try Dr. Eliyahu Ackerman or Dr. Miriam Ackerman Breuer, religious psychologists who deals also with sexual issues, for treatment and/or a referral.
From a halachic perspective, the lack of satisfaction and occasional pain is not a reason to allow ejaculating externally. It is permissible, though, for you to gently stroke the male's genital area and member, which can provide a degree of pleasure and satisfaction before insertion. It is also possible that using a small amount of lubrication might provide the necessary balance for your mutual needs and satisfaction.
Rabbi Meir Orlian